mccormicks

Vodka Tampons… My drunk is drunker than your drunk

The youth of the world apparently doesn’t think drinking alcohol through traditional means will get them drunk enough anymore. In a desperate cry for help teens are resorting to even more outlandish methods of accomplishing the same goal: getting drunk or high.
 

Girls have now resorted to soaking tampons in vodka and placing it in it’s “proper place” albeit for all the wrong reasons. Apparently guys have been engaging in this outlandish activity as well, although they resort to sticking it in another hole. You would think you would already be drunk enough if you were contemplating sticking a tampon up your ass.

mccormicks

McCormick’s: The Worst Vodka I’ve Tried

If McCormick’s was water it would be the city tap water that has so much chlorine and pipe debris in it that it clogs up your Brita filter the first time you use it. McCormick’s is absolutely horrible. It smells and tastes like rubbing alcohol. When I did a search for McCormick’s to find an image of it almost nothing came up on google. I am willing to bet the image of this girl smiling and holding a McCormick’s bottle is the only image of its kind on the entire internet. That is the cutest girl you will ever see holding a McCormick’s bottle and that is after I photoshopped her dirty yellow teeth. If you are looking for the easy slay at the party then look for the girl holding the McCormick’s bottle. You can save your chloroform for another time and place because McCormick’s does pretty much the same thing.

I had the displeasure of drinking McCormick’s as my first alcohol and I have never touched it again. It’s not a good sign when your alcohol of choice has more energy efficiency per dollar than gasoline. Don’t be tricked thinking all vodka is the same and this stuff is the cheapest so I’m going to buy it. If this is the only vodka you can afford you need to stop drinking alcohol anyways and focus on getting a job.

The Bottom Line: Everything will not go better than expected with McCormick’s vodka

vangoghart

Van Gogh Stands for Vodka Paintings

A picture is worth a thousand words… When a vodka company names their brand after a famous painter you’d expect that they wouldn’t even need any art on their vodka bottles and instead rely on the reputation of the deceased painter. Well Van Gogh vodka felt that Van Gogh’s reputation alone wouldn’t carry their vodka brand to the perennial heights of the market. They had to come up with an idea to keep their customers enthralled while they get drunk of their asses. They had to come up with an idea that would give some “forever alone” chump something to talk about with his lady friend. They had to create a bottle so beautiful that if you had to choose a vodka bottle to get hit over the head with in a drunken brawl you would choose their vodka bottle! I’m no expert, but I think they achieved their goals.

Man: “Check out this orange and purple vodka bottle lady friend.”

Lady friend: “Take me now!”

Van Gogh vodka, the wingman that never fails.

Disclaimer: Van Gogh vodka can’t fix ugly until you actually consume it.

The Bottom Line: “Look at the pretty colors.”

devotionsituation

Devotion Vodka: A Douchey Situation

And you thought they would stop at flavored vodka… Devotion Spirits has recently introduced their 80 proof vodka infused with a milk protein know as PeptoPro, a form of predigested casein protein. The creator, Drew Adelman supposedly made the vodka as a way to combine the two loves of his life– nightlife and keeping that shredded body.

The protein in this vodka is supposed to help you keep your lean body mass while you continue to party hard. I haven’t tasted the vodka, but Devotion claims that the protein adds an extra smoothness to its spirit. I’m definitely intrigued and will be sure to give this a try.

There is one thing that makes me want to avoid this vodka however. Devotion Spirits has created a partnership with your favorite douchey Jersey Shore resident, Mike the Situation. The newly dubbed fitness manager Mike has some of the worst ab aesthetics in existence. If drinking Devotion is going to make my abs look like something off of a mangled humanoid I’d rather shy away.

Devotion is available in the US in 750ml size. The suggested retail price is $27.99/750ml. Current markets include California, Nevada, Montana, Oregon, New York, and, of course, New Jersey.

The Bottom Line: Despite “The Situation’s” involvement I’ll give this vodka a try

coolestbottle

Coolest Bottle: Crystal Head

You’re not cool until you’ve chugged vodka out of a crystal head vodka bottle. This vodka is a must for any college student that has a collection of bottles in their kitchen. Frankly, the contents of this bottle are irrelevant. Smooth this, burn that: You aren’t buying this vodka for the taste. The person behind this idea is a genius. Who doesn’t want a vodka bottle that looks like it came out of the latest Indiana Jones movie? For the record, the vodka in this bottle isn’t too shabby. It’s comparable to most other mid-shelf vodkas like Skyy and Smirnoff but I wouldn’t waste this by mixing it in other drinks. You’ve got to drink this guy straight out of the bottle to acquire mystical powers from an ancient South American civilization right?

The Bottom Line: Buy this vodka solely for your bottle collection. Look cool.

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